I met my ex-girlfriend in a dingy, South London nightclub. Not the typical setting for a blossoming relationship, granted, but it seemed to work for both of us at that point in our lives.
Saved By First Love: The Meeting
I wasn’t in a good emotional space. I had recently come out of a bad break-up, I wasn’t happy in my work, and I had that general disassociation with where I was in my life at that point.
I remember walking outside this club and being accosted by a girl who I instantly recognised. She asked me if I still knew her from our previous meeting. We had run into each other once before and exchanged pleasantries, so I replied in the affirmative.
I was trying hard to tread the line between showing my interest, and still maintaining that aura of “cool” which I think all guys like to possess in this kind of situations. In all honesty, I was elated that this person had found me this evening.
I don’t remember much of the night, just that we talked. Hours and hours of, probably highly nonsensical, conversation. But even through this chemical induced haze, when I woke up the next morning, I had the distinct feeling that something special had taken place last night. It wasn’t anything tangible, just a feeling of a monumental shift in my view on life at that time.
There I was; stumbling through this rave, while simultaneously stumbling through this difficult part of my life, and she came out of the fog and changed things. Pulled me into something different, a different mindset. I wouldn’t say I fell in love with her straight away, but the seeds were sown.
We were together for almost a year when she broke up with me. The first 6 months of our relationship were incredible. I don’t think I’d been properly in love with anyone before this because I could make no comparisons with previous girls. She had become entrenched and intertwined with my heart and soul in a way that I had never experienced before.
Saved By First Love: The Break-Up
Extenuating circumstances begun to drive a wedge between us and this affected her more than me. I was still in the position of trying in vain to keep things alive, while all the while we could feel it drifting apart. To this day, I believe it was something we could have made work, but it would have required equal effort from both parties.
However, in the interests of fairness, I am not absolving myself of responsibility. I have since become aware, through conversation and interaction with my closest friends, of my own patterns of behaviour which certainly contributed to the downfall of our relationship.
We don’t talk anymore. We have a large group of mutual friends, live in the same area, socialise in many of the same settings, but I have made the decision to cut her out of my life completely.
This may sound like bitterness and resentment, and I would be lying if I said that there is not a small hint of these emotions laced within my sentiments for her now. But, with time, I have come to realise that these are not the overriding emotions when I think of her. It is not hatred, or anger, or jealousy, or rage. It is more a sense of loss. And mourning. The loss of the relationship, and the loss of what I feel could have been.
Some of her actions now though are so incongruous with the person that I knew, that I don’t want to know this new person. She seems just an apparition; a whisper of that girl I met in the rave that night.
We had spoken briefly, roughly a year and a half after our break-up. She reached out, and after debating with myself and with my friends, I decided to finally make peace with the situation. A message was sent, that cleared my feelings on the subject, and that is where it will stay.
Nobody is blameless in a break-up. I would not have come to these conclusions if I had not looked at myself and my behaviour. Never underestimate the value of your friends in a situation such as this. I have one friend in particular, who had gone through a similar situation who has provided me with support, and I will never be able to express how much I love him because of it.
Regardless of how much it hurt to break up with her, I will always remember that feeling of that first night. The inescapable feeling that you had met someone who was about to enhance your life. That at any time, someone can come out in a nightclub, drag you out of the fog, and change everything.
“It’s the end of something I did not want to end
Beginning of hard times to come
But what was not meant to be is done
And this is the start of what was”
– Song by Mike Skinner